I hate editing. My eyes and brain glaze over after the 4th or 5th reading through a piece. I don't have the patience.

Perhaps a sign that writing isn't an ideal future for me?

Editing Hurts My Head

I'm hitting a wall. I really want to put everything I can into these essays and finish the semester strong. It is my last semester of undergrad, after all... and, my GPA could use some help from this class. But, looking at these essays makes me want to pull my hair out. Seriously... I've been staring at them for the last hour, and I have a headache. And no, it's not from pulling my hair. I'm sick of them, ready to be done with them. I look at things I know need correction and think... "I can't do it. I don't know how to fix that." The longer I work, the more I feel like not only have I hit a wall, I am now slamming my head hard against it.

Knowing Me

One of the coolest things about getting older is learning myself. At 22, my body is finally figuring out its ideal clock. Amazing that it took this long, really. But, it's final: The perfect sleep schedule for me is from 11PM to 7:30AM. If I go to bed much later, I wake up groggy. If I sleep less than 8 hours, I can't function. Really, 8.5 is ideal. If I wake up later than 8:30 or 9AM, I'm in a bad mood. Of course, I've also learned that my body is über-sensitive, which is terrible for late-night paper writing or any fun late night activities.

Knowing myself, though, is an awesome feeling. If I know myself I am more aware of the ways others change me, be it positive or negative. I am less likely to get lost in the influence of another if I know where I started. When Alex and I started dating, I would stay up late with him and sleep in - I adjusted to his sleep schedule. I loved our nighttime hours together, but ultimately I was miserable. And although it has changed our relationship (I am falling asleep right as he begins his night, and I wake with nearly 4 Alex-free hours), returning to my body's ideal is one of the most satisfying things I have done for myself.

The Question.

Graduation is rapidly approaching, and you know what that means... the question is here. It started as a trickle at the beginning of the semester, only appearing here and there, every once in awhile. Now, it's a full fledged torrent. Every time I turn around, it's there. What am I going to do when I graduate? What are my plans? What will I do with my life? What, when, how?!

It wouldn't be such a burden if I had an answer. But, I don't. I need to come up with a party line by graduation day, so that all of the inquiring relatives can get the same easy answer. Thus far I all I've been able to come up with is, "Ummm...," "Err...," and "My plan? Ha! What's that?" For the record, those answers don't satisfy anyone.

The truth is, I have no idea what I'm going to do. It's not that I don't know what I want. It's just that I'm not willing to take a permanent job right now, because I don't want to stay in one place. I'll be in Charlotte for the summer - my brother's last summer before he goes to college. I want to spend some extended time with my grandparents in Charleston before I move far away from the Carolinas. And then, in the fall, I might need to move to Wilmington for a my boyfriend's last semester - because I'm not very good with long distance. After that, we want to go back to Peru for a couple of months. Then, I doubt we'll stay in the South. The future holds lots of travel, grad school, and low-paying community service jobs. That's the long term answer.

The short term, though, sounds less exciting: I'll be living with my mother, working random jobs, nannying, and saving money. I'll be traveling and spending time with the important people in my life. Then maybe, in half a year or so, "real life" will kick in. But, not yet. Not yet.

from me to... me

Dear Me (just 4 months younger),

Welcome to Creative Writing. Some things you need to know:

*This might not have been the best semester to take this class. Know that the things that have happened recently will affect you. It will take twice as long to do anything. Plan accordingly, otherwise you won't be able to get your work done.
*Don't get frustrated with the workshop comments. People will ask questions that may seem obvious... they just don't know a lot about the topics about which you'll write. Cut them some slack.
*It's a good idea to read. There will be quizzes.
*If you want to change people through your writing, it can't be obvious to the reader. If it's obvious, they'll just feel preached to. People like feeling like they've come up with ideas on their own... so your writing shouldn't try and force change.
*Try to not rely so heavily on punctuation - that is, dashes and semicolons.

Happy Writing, younger me!

Love,
Older me

Yes, I can answer those questions.

I don't have enough space to explain all of the things I'd like to explain in this essay. Some of you had questions about the Montagnard people and suggested that maybe I didn't know the answer. I have no reason to be offended by that, of course - none of you know that, for the past several years, Charlotte's Montagnard community has been my life. Before I left for Peru, I spent almost 40 hours a week (for two and a half years) serving that community, educating Americans about the Montagnards, translating and taking people to doctor's appts and DSS interviews, teaching self-sufficiency, etc. I love them. They are my best friends and some of the strongest people I've ever met.

So yes, I can answer just about any question you have about: the Montagnards in general (mostly about the Jarai people, but also the Rhade, Koho, Mnong, etc); the UNHCR; the camps in Cambodia or villages in Vietnam; the persecutions; the resettlement process; why they are in Charlotte (and Greensboro), NC; services for refugees and life here... etc.

Of course, I can't put all of this in my essay. Maybe, like Antoinette, Klosterman, and Wallace, I need footnotes...

Does this sound right?

Looking at the math... 3 blogs per week... if we need 3 blogs for every week except Spring Break, that's 15 classes = 45 blogs. However, that is including the week of Feb 12, when I don't think we were required to blog (-3). And then, that is also including the weeks of the 9th and 16th of April, when we won't have class (well, the 16th we have conferences, but not formal class). So thats two more weeks with questionable blogging requirements (-6).

(45-9=36)

Meaning, we have anywhere between 36 and 45 blogs required for the semester.

What's the final word, Prof. Renfroe?